Intensity

I don't recall ever watching an inauguration. I had a lot of work to do yesterday. I mean I am seriously behind in work. I thought I could have NPR playing the coverage in the background and be really productive. Just that morning I was mentioning my apathy towards events that are otherwise viewed as momentous. Oklahoma City, 9/11, Olympics, Indonesian tsunami, Chinese earthquake. I have a cerebral understanding of their importance, I just don't feel their importance. I have at times thought my response was odd. It's not that I think I have no connection to these events-- my brother spent weeks attending multiple daily funerals when 1/3 of his office perished in the South tower of the World Trade Center. And still I felt nothing. It made an interesting story. But I felt nothing.

So, yesterday morning I was sitting on my floor sorting through piles of paperwork, listening to the Inauguration coverage, and I couldn't stop crying. Not sobbing, but a constant tightness in my throat and tears rolling down my cheeks. I eventually just turned on the tv, still crying. And then the thought occurred to me: I have an intensely emotional reaction to momentous events, I just rarely let myself succumb to the intensity. I don't think I go around bottling up my emotions. But somewhere in my life I developed the pattern of witnessing and quickly processing information, whatever it may be, in order to be ready for the next event. I 'm sure it's a coping mechanism that has helped me manage difficult situations without being paralyzed by emotion. So, I think it serves a positive function in my life. But this realization has made me wonder what other effect it has had on me. How would my life experience be changed by consciously attempting to experience the full emotional impact of a situation?